Pumpkin Pie and A Man's Sex Drive

I asked my wife, "Why haven't we had any pumpkin pie lately. You know it's my favourite."

She said, "There was a shortage of pumpkins this year. "

I accepted that excuse until I read the new research by Dr. Alan Hirsch, Director of Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Center.

In a study of men ages 18 to 64, 40 aromas were tested to determine which arouses men the most. The smell of pumpkin pie topped ladies' fragrances.

"The number one odor that enhanced penile blood flow was a combination of lavender and pumpkin pie," said Hirsch.

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... 
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He Said She Said -Funny Sayings

He Said She Said -Funny Sayings

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Kim Kardashian and the Fight Starter!

Kim Kardashian and the Fight Starter!

Kim Kardashian and silver paint!

Poem Writing Fail

Poem Writing Fail

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Sexual Attraction and the Tilted Head

Sexual Attraction and the Tilted Head

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My Wife voted for Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars

Is Jennifer Grey on her way to winning Dancing with the Stars, or will the dumb fans continue to support Bristol Palin?

Much better dancer!

Then and Now

I asked my wife why she voted for Bristol Palin.

She said, “I know she’s not a very good dancer, and she appears to lack intelligence (like her mother) and she is not that attractive, and she is overweight. 

But I like to vote for the underdog.”

Bad Dancing! Could be the name of a new movie!

I said, “I guess you can identify with her.”

**

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED...

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If you like this, could you please share on Stumbleupon for me? I don’t like to share my own work! Thank you
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Cutting the Lawn in the Buff- Fail

It was the middle of summer and very hot. I asked my wife: - "Honey, it's very hot and I need to cut the lawn. What do you think the neighbors will say if I go out naked?"

It's hot outside!

My wife looked at me for a few seconds and said: - " They'll say that I probably married you for money ..."

and that's when the fight started...

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

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Marriage Counselor

A woman who was always fighting with her husband decides to visit a Marriage Counselor.

Marriage Counselor: "What seems to be the Problem?"

Woman: "I don't know what to do. When my husband comes home from having drinks with the guys, he picks a fight with me."

Marriage Counselor: "I have a real good solution for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just make a cup of chamomile tea and start drinking it. Just keep sipping and sipping."

Two weeks later she returns to the Marriage Counselor, and is fresh and relaxed. Woman: "That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came in from an evening with his buddies, I drank the chamomile tea and nothing happened."

Marriage Counselor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
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AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED...*******************************************

 

Top Ten Reasons Why Some Men Prefer Dogs Over Women

Top Ten Reasons Why Some Men Prefer Dogs

1. Dogs think you sing great.
2. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
3. A dog’s parents never visit.
4. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
5. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

8.The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

9. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

10. Anyone can get a good looking dog.

Bonus;

DOGS DON”T SHOP!

**

To test this theory:
I locked my wife and my dog in the garage for an hour,
then opened it to see who was happy to see me.

Not a good idea!

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

365 Times a Year! That's No Bull

365 Times a Year! That's No Bull

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Maxine and Marvin and Marriage Advice

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8 (just LOVE this one)


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10 




After reading the funny information about Marriage and relationships, Marvin said to Maxine, "You should read these, they're really good! And by the way, you look pretty today."

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************


 

Old Girlfriend

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by two ardai, one of whom asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'
Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'

The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'
Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.  The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'
Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

Nice Outfit!

I said to my wife, "That looks just like the last outfit you wore!"

And that's when the fight started...

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Wedding Night

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh," he exclaims, "you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe. "We are married now," the new wife says. "You can open your robe!"

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, my! Let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED.....  *******************************************

Quickies

A little boy went up to his father and asked; "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." 



"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." 



A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids. 



An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he had been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." 

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

Aliens Arriving Soon Urgent Message!

I informed my wife that,"Aliens are coming to Earth very soon and their mission is to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, but I just wanted to say goodbye."

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

$800 a Year

$800 a Year

One, two, three, four

One, two, CLICK HERE three, four

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED...*******************************************

Job Interview -Speling doesnt mattor

 CLICK HERE

Interview -Wen Speling doesnt mattor

My wife and I operate an expanding business and we needed to hire a new employee. I through this application in the garbage. My wife (without me knowing) replied to Bryan!

****************

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..
I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

My wife's response:

Dear Bryan ,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

101 things not to say on your Wedding Night

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is this mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'.
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

24 Cans of Beer for $10 or???

A married couple are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back! We can't afford them," orders the wife. They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************
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Marvin (Maxine’s husband) “I like that joke!”

 

Memory Loss and ???

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was." 


and that when the fight started...

My Wife and Leather Dresses!

I said to my wife, "When you wear a leather dress, my heart
beats quicker, my throat gets dry, I get weak in the knees, and
I begin to think irrationally."

She asked me why and I said,

"It's because you smell like a new golf bag."

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

New Bumper Sticker

I showed my wife the new bumper sticker!

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

The New Boots

http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/06/new-cowboy-boots/

I clean the toilet!

"Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?"

"I just go and clean the toilet."

"How does that help?"

"I use your tooth brush!"

and that's when the fight started...

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The LOVE DRESS JOKE

THE LOVE DRESS -Funny Email Joke about Old Age

THE LOVE DRESS A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. ‘What are you doing?’ she asked. ‘I’m waiting for Justin to come home from work.’ the daughter-in-law answered. ‘ But you’re naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed. ‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law explained. ‘Love dress? But you’re naked!’ ‘Justin loves me to wear this dress,’ she explained. ‘Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.’ The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. ‘ What are you doing?’ he asked.. ‘This is my love dress,’ she whispered sensually. ‘Needs ironing,’ he said, ‘What’s for dinner? and that’s when the fight started…

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