All you think about is soccer!

My Wife: 'Soccer, soccer, soccer! That's all you ever think about! If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the house' work, I think I'd drop dead from the shock!'

Me: 'It's no good trying to bribe me, dear.'

and that's when the fight started...

Not Happy!

I rear-ended a car this morning… So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’

So, I looked down at him and said,

‘Well, then which one are you?’

And that's when the fight started….

It's not nice to be poked!

My wife and I were at church and the preacher began asking questions, just as I was falling asleep.  The preacher asked, "Who was the savior?" 

My wife poked me with a knitting needle (Why was she knitting?)

 I yelled, "Jesus CHRIST!" The preacher said, "Very good."

Later on, when I fell asleep again, the preacher asked, "Who brought us the 10 commandments?" 

Again, my wife poked me and I shouted, "HOLLY MOSES!"

"Right", said the preacher.

Five minutes later, the preacher asked, "What did Eve say after she and Adam had their 46 son?"

This time, when I got poked, I yelled:, "DAMN IT! IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!"

And that's when the fight started...

Can't keep my mouth shut!

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day. Her hands were slowly finding their way across my body. She whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest man in the world." I whispered back, "I'll miss you."

And that's when the fight started...

Cold in here!

I said to my wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

She was overjoyed that I had at last included in her my activities and said, "Great, does that mean I'm coming with you?"

"No, it just means I'm turning the heating off."

And that's when the fight started...

While I was driving...

I was driving with my wife at my side and my mother-in-law in the backseat. They just wouldn't leave me alone.
My mother-in-law said, "You're driving too fast!"
My wife said, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, I turned to my wife and asked, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?" 

And that's when the fight started...

Broken Clock Joke

Frustrated at always being corrected by John, Jill decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and Jill was ready.
"You know," Jill challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."
John looked at her and replied, "Twice." 

And that's when the fight started...

Stop when you are ahead, Joke

My wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the 'miracle' products, she asked, 'Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?'
Looking over her carefully, I replied, 'Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.'
'Oh, you flatterer!' she gushed.
'Hey, wait a minute!' I interrupted. 'I haven't added them up yet.' 

And that's when the fight started...

Wrong Gift Joke

I gave this poster to my wife for her birthday.

And that's when the fight started...

Very Expensive Wedding Joke

My wife was upset that our daughter's wedding was so expensive.
She asked me, "Honey...How much did our wedding cost?"
I said, "I don't know , I'm still paying."


And that's when the fight started...

Mad Cow Joke

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started…

Sweep the Driveway

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said,

'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And that’s when the fight started…

(The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.)

Fishy Story!

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And that’s when the fight started…

Rip-Off!

My wife and I were watching a Mike Tyson boxing match on pay-per-view TV. After the show, I said, “I’m so disappointed! It was all over in four minutes. What a rip-off!!”

The wife replied, “Good! Now you know how I feel.”

And that’s when the fight started…

Cranky!!

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what it is.”

And that’s when the fight started…

Marriage Certificate

My wife asked me, "Honey....What are you looking for?" 

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "Nothing...?? You've been reading our Marriage Certificate for an hour!!"

I answered, "I was looking for the expiry date."

And that's when the fight started....

EASTER FIGHT

My wife and I went on vacation to Jerusalem. While we were there, my wife became very ill and I was told that she could die. I was informed that if she dies, I could have her shipped home for $5000 or I could bury her here, in the Holy Land for $150.

I thought about it and decided she would just have to be shipped home.

The authorities asked me why I would spend so much money to ship my wife home?

I said, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take the chance…!”

And that’s when the fight started…