A Middle Aged Woman, Plastic Surgery and God

A Middle Aged Woman, Plastic Surgery and God

A woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said,”No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live”.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital

and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come

in and change her hair colour. Since she had so

much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home,

she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

“I thought you said I had
another 40 years?

Why didn’t you pull me out

of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

Marriage and Natural Disasters Joke

I told my wife this joke:

 Natural Disaster - Marriage Joke

Nobody teaches Icelandic or Hawaiian volcanoes to erupt,
Floods to arise,
Hurricanes to form,

Nobody taught 

Rob Ford how to be an honest Mayor

Nobody teaches how to choose a wife
Natural disasters just happen !!!!!!!!!!

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

My Grandparents Embrace the Hi Tech Revolution

My Grandpa told me that after much deliberation

he has decided that he and Grandma

should get more involved with the Hi tech revolution.

He thought he would ask for a new

Apple iCar for Father’s Day…

And he was sure Grandma would be delighted to get

( instead of a new vacuum cleaner )

the following new Apple product for Mother’s Day

The iRon

and that’s when the fight started

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

Lying all these days

The Toy…

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.  Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. 

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.  She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.  So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. 

She looked down…  and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device…  a vibrator!   Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.  She went completely ballistic. 

“You impotent jerk,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years?  You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I'll explain the toy… you explain the kids.”

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

It was my worm

We saw it first!

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************